Pinch me

October 22, 2009

My marriage is miserable. Rather, I’m miserable in my marriage. My husband is loving and caring to everyone but me. He puts on a great persona infront of our friends and family. Behind closed doors he’s a mean basher who blames everything on me — I have¬† chip on my shoulder; I’m angry; I’m the one always yelling; everything is my fault, my fault, my fault. When I stand up for myself I’m difficult, stubborn and selfish. My friends think I’m happy but I’m really just hiding tears. I can’t even cry in my own home because I’m told IU’m having nervous breakdown. When I do share my feelings they’re later used against me in another argument. I want it to stop. STOP! I want someone who will be gentle and loving, and touch me as if they care. I just don’t want to hear the words, “I love you.” I want to feel the words, “I love you.”

How can the happiness of a wedding day turn to the misery that seems an eternity?

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Pure decadence

October 21, 2009

Last night I enjoyed my first “date” with him. Delicious dinner followed by scrumptious dessert of our own making. He is like a never-ending bar of lucsious chocolate. I just want to eat him up. Every. Single. Piece.

I’m walking on fine tight-rope and I don’t want to fall. It’s increasingly harder and harder to do.¬† To be alone with this man, undisturbed for 24 hours, is a dream.

The first kiss

October 12, 2009

I am a secret keeper. This time the secret is my own. We’ve sworn complete denial to each other, to anyone, if discovered. The first kiss was tender, warm, gentle and completely unexpected. I wanted more but I ran. Ran away fast. Then I ran back.

I now have a lover. Am a lover.

I thought I liked my life. Had everything, needed nothing. I was wrong. What I needed, need, is to feel attractive once again. I thought young, breathless passionate sex was a youthful memory tucked back in the corner or a drawer only to be remembered with a familiar song. I was wrong. It’s here. It’s now. Once again there is someone to ravish me, taking it all in and leaving nothing except two exhausted bodies damp with spent desire.

And, I am married. I am a mother. I am a successful businesswoman.

I am trapped between two desires, two dreams.