Archive for October, 2009

Pinch me

October 22, 2009

My marriage is miserable. Rather, I’m miserable in my marriage. My husband is loving and caring to everyone but me. He puts on a great persona infront of our friends and family. Behind closed doors he’s a mean basher who blames everything on me — I have¬† chip on my shoulder; I’m angry; I’m the one always yelling; everything is my fault, my fault, my fault. When I stand up for myself I’m difficult, stubborn and selfish. My friends think I’m happy but I’m really just hiding tears. I can’t even cry in my own home because I’m told IU’m having nervous breakdown. When I do share my feelings they’re later used against me in another argument. I want it to stop. STOP! I want someone who will be gentle and loving, and touch me as if they care. I just don’t want to hear the words, “I love you.” I want to feel the words, “I love you.”

How can the happiness of a wedding day turn to the misery that seems an eternity?


Pure decadence

October 21, 2009

Last night I enjoyed my first “date” with him. Delicious dinner followed by scrumptious dessert of our own making. He is like a never-ending bar of lucsious chocolate. I just want to eat him up. Every. Single. Piece.

I’m walking on fine tight-rope and I don’t want to fall. It’s increasingly harder and harder to do.¬† To be alone with this man, undisturbed for 24 hours, is a dream.

The first kiss

October 12, 2009

I am a secret keeper. This time the secret is my own. We’ve sworn complete denial to each other, to anyone, if discovered. The first kiss was tender, warm, gentle and completely unexpected. I wanted more but I ran. Ran away fast. Then I ran back.

I now have a lover. Am a lover.

I thought I liked my life. Had everything, needed nothing. I was wrong. What I needed, need, is to feel attractive once again. I thought young, breathless passionate sex was a youthful memory tucked back in the corner or a drawer only to be remembered with a familiar song. I was wrong. It’s here. It’s now. Once again there is someone to ravish me, taking it all in and leaving nothing except two exhausted bodies damp with spent desire.

And, I am married. I am a mother. I am a successful businesswoman.

I am trapped between two desires, two dreams.